WHITNEY HOUSTON DEAD

I am 48. I am a Recovering Addict. I am Fragile... I am a teacher...
She was 48. She was sick. She was Fragile...
Let Whitney be a teacher as well.
Need I say more?

My heart aches... R.I.P. Whitney xoxoxoxox
Hugs, Sue

Honesty... It's a Policy

We're taught to make amends for our wrongdoings -- and live our lives with kindness and honesty. I question, "Is honesty really the best policy?"

My mom always told me, "Susan, if you don't have anything nice to say. Don't say anything at all." With the exception of my critical self-analysis, I've tried to live my life that way. But am I wrong?

Are there degrees of honesty? Does it depend on the person or scenario?
When should we be honest?

What are your thoughts?
Hugs, Sue

SPECIAL REQUEST TO MY FRIENDS & READERS... I'm looking for a few readers to be honest about the first chapter of my book (It's very short -- 12 or so pages). I had a family member read it and said it was great. But that's family. I need an objective opinion.
Let me know in a comment, if you're interested in helping out.

I know it's been over a year, but I'm Back... Ready, Set... Share!

All work and no play makes Susie a verrrrry dull girl.

I was checking out at the supermarket the other day, near the gum, beef jerky and tabloid magazines. And there she was -- Amy Whinehouse. I made a comment... "That poor thing - so sad she didn't get it on time."

The woman behind me took offense. She said, "I'm so sick of hearing about these celebrity addicts. When someone dies overseas in the war, they don't get this much attention. We rarely hear about it."

Being a recovering addict, I jumped to Whinehouse's defense and immediately replied, "It's apples and oranges... You can't compare the two." I backed up my opinion by claiming these reports can worthwhile, even if it sways one person to get help.

When I got in my car, the woman's comment haunted me. Was she right? I thought?

What's your opinion?

Happy Anniversary to Me!

How the heck have all of my friends been. You might have thought I fell off the face of the Earth. But I'm back. Hoping all my friends are okay out there.

A couple of updates -- My friend did accomplish her goal -- she raised enough money to keep the scholarship going.

And as for me? I've been writing, reading, going to movies -- the things I love best.

Tomorrow will be 8 years clean and sober for me -- One Day at a Time.

I miss you all. And I hope to keep blogging.

Let me know if you're alright, need any help, or just want to shoot the s$#&...

Hugs and Happiness. xoxoxo Sue

Balance -- Step on the Scale, please...

Keep It Simple

In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.
---Friedrick Nietzsche

All of us have a child inside. We may see that child as a friend or as a enemy. Many of us were taught that growing up meant doing away with our inner child. It was as if being a child was bad and being an adult was good.

If we try to be only an adult, the child cries, ”Let me run free and show you the beauty of the world.” If we try to be only a child, we find the adult in using us saying, “It’s time to grow up.”

Let’s find a balance. Remember, the adult needs the wonder found in the eyes of the child. Remember, the child needs the loving care of the adult. The child lives where we find our spirit. Our Higher Power is the prefect balance of the two.

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, help me be both the child and the adult. I need both.
Action for the Day: Today, I’ll make time to be a child and to be an adult.

ME?

Nietzsche -- brings back memories of a course I took as an undergraduate in college -- existentialism. Although I enjoy philosophising, I agonized through this course.

When I signed up for the course, I didn't even know what existentialism meant. My Motivation for enduring lectures on the obscure meaning of life, death and the intermittent? No classes on Fridays!

Ah, the warped mentality of an addict.

Although the famous philosopher's statement is sexist, I do agree we should embrace and nurture our inner child. For some of us, however, we regress, and have difficulty finding the balance.

Balance... if it were easy, why would we coin the phrase 'balancing act'?

I see things in either bright neon or black and white.
I think north and south or east and west -- polar extremes.
I still can't have just one -- and that's not just potato chips.
A day does not go by that I don't question my existence and wonder whether I should live or die.

I was told in early recovery the more I find peace, the less my moods and desires would swing. The more I drift away from the program and a spiritually sound lifestyle, I have come to believe the fellowship was correct.

Will I ever become a balanced individual?

NOW: Susan = Susan + /Susan

= American's Next Top Model + Little Women
= single cheese & fries + grilled chicken salad
= Pessimist + Optimist
= superficial + cerebral
= Playful + grounded
= runaway + role model
= selfish + selfless
= hopeless + hopeful
= hopeful + hopeless
= child + adult

GOAL: Susan = A Balanced ME

Sue

For my Followers: G wasn't at the game, nor did I expect him to be. But I'll keep you posted (wink and a smile).

What's your equation and how do you create Balance in your life?

Attraction -- Watch your step... First one is a Doosey

Daily Inspirational Quotes

"Watch your manner of speech if you wish to develop a peaceful state of mind. Start each day by affirming peaceful, contented and happy attitudes and your days will tend to be pleasant and successful."
--Norman Vincent Peale

ME?

Yesterday, I did as promised. I put on a happy face for my daughter at the field hockey game and was a semi-success. Today, however, is round 2, the field hockey tourney. This time, it's much longer -- a three way -- and not the good kind (oops sorry, just kidding, my bad).

I'm feeling a little frisky this morning.

Maybe it's because I saw a glimpse of my former self yesterday, the good social butterfly self. Mingling was my forte when I was boozin' it. And luckily, it's one of the qualities that has remained in sobriety.

Maybe I'm feeling this way because I felt something stir inside me at the game -- a feeling that has been dead for quite some time.
My confession? I felt an attraction for a man -- a man that I will call G.

SCENE: Sunday, at my daughter's field hockey game -- I'm standing at the Team Merchandise table, embarrassed for leaving my wallet and checkbook home. The unfriendly woman behind the table has a very heavy accent -- maybe Lithuanian. When asked the price of the tee-shirts, it sounds like she said $50.

G: How much are the tee-shirts? (said to me with my back turned)
Susan: I think $15. (I turn around)
\Susan: Wow, he looks like a cross between McSteamy on Grey's Anatomy and Anderson Cooper... And Bonus -- no wedding ring.
G: Fifteen sounds better than fifty. (he smiles)
\Susan: Say something clever, Sue... say something clever.
Susan: Are you nuts? I look like a stand in for Orville the pig from Green Acres.

Susan giggles then shuffles away.

Susan: Yeah, fifteen sounds much better.

ENDSCENE

As a woman who used to overlap boyfriends and engagements, it's inconceivable that I haven't been in the company of the opposite sex for the high end of triple digits. Feeling unattractive, the last thing I want to be is touched.
Another confession? Even when I had 5% body fat, I used to insist on making love in darkness equivalent to a solar eclipse.

When G spoke to me, something erupted inside, like a dormant volcano disturbed from its slumber. And I realized, yet another tragic aspect of enabling my disease -- the absence of romantic love .

Okay, enough of this Harlequin talk.

Today, I started my day with a thimble full of hope rather than a pocket full of sour grapes. The sun is shining -- it's still a beautiful day.

Sue

For my Readers: Thank you ALL for your wonderful comments and encouragement. You fuel my desire to complete my project.

How did you start off your day?

My Mission, my Goal, my Project...

Tomorrow, on August 16, 2009, I, Susan DeAngelis, will celebrate seven years free from drugs and alcohol -- God Willing -- let's not forget that.

I'm an accomplished teacher, single mom of a beautiful daughter, and recovering addict. I should have everything to live for, but I'm still on shakey ground.

Lately, a day does not go by that I don't crave drugs and alcohol. A day does not go by that I wonder my place in this world. When I look at my reflection, a day does not go by that I don't clench my fist and fantasize about punching my mirror in the face.

I saw a delightful movie the other day -- The Julie/Julia Project. Julie was not a recovering addict but like me, she was lost, frustrated and wanted to find meaning in her life.

"I wish I could cook myself into enlightenment," I thought.

But I knew that wasn't an option -- chicken cutlets, omelettes, chili and an occasional marinara sauce are my limited culinary skills and desires. Then I thought about all of the literature and pamphets accumulating dust in my bookcase from my early recovery... and the fact that I haven't attended a meeting in over 3 years.

"Well, I'm not ready for facing others at a meeting, but blogging about Daily Reflections is an option."

I'm not doing this for money or fame. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. My daughter needs me; I can't feel this way anymore. Blogging saved Julie, and I pray it will save me too.

So for 365 days, I will reflect on my recovery, my spirtuality, my lost self through the Daily Refections. Hopefully, I will find the courage to get outside of my warped self, attend a meeting, reach out to others... make it to my 8th year of recovery.

I hope others will join and help me in my journey.

Until Tomorrow... Day 1...

Susan