Saturday, August 15, 2009

My Mission, my Goal, my Project...

Tomorrow, on August 16, 2009, I, Susan DeAngelis, will celebrate seven years free from drugs and alcohol -- God Willing -- let's not forget that.

I'm an accomplished teacher, single mom of a beautiful daughter, and recovering addict. I should have everything to live for, but I'm still on shakey ground.

Lately, a day does not go by that I don't crave drugs and alcohol. A day does not go by that I wonder my place in this world. When I look at my reflection, a day does not go by that I don't clench my fist and fantasize about punching my mirror in the face.

I saw a delightful movie the other day -- The Julie/Julia Project. Julie was not a recovering addict but like me, she was lost, frustrated and wanted to find meaning in her life.

"I wish I could cook myself into enlightenment," I thought.

But I knew that wasn't an option -- chicken cutlets, omelettes, chili and an occasional marinara sauce are my limited culinary skills and desires. Then I thought about all of the literature and pamphets accumulating dust in my bookcase from my early recovery... and the fact that I haven't attended a meeting in over 3 years.

"Well, I'm not ready for facing others at a meeting, but blogging about Daily Reflections is an option."

I'm not doing this for money or fame. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. My daughter needs me; I can't feel this way anymore. Blogging saved Julie, and I pray it will save me too.

So for 365 days, I will reflect on my recovery, my spirtuality, my lost self through the Daily Refections. Hopefully, I will find the courage to get outside of my warped self, attend a meeting, reach out to others... make it to my 8th year of recovery.

I hope others will join and help me in my journey.

Until Tomorrow... Day 1...