Saturday, August 15, 2009

My Mission, my Goal, my Project...


Tomorrow, on August 16, 2009, I, Susan DeAngelis, will celebrate seven years free from drugs and alcohol -- God Willing -- let's not forget that.

I'm an accomplished teacher, single mom of a beautiful daughter, and recovering addict. I should have everything to live for, but I'm still on shakey ground.

Lately, a day does not go by that I don't crave drugs and alcohol. A day does not go by that I wonder my place in this world. When I look at my reflection, a day does not go by that I don't clench my fist and fantasize about punching my mirror in the face.

I saw a delightful movie the other day -- The Julie/Julia Project. Julie was not a recovering addict but like me, she was lost, frustrated and wanted to find meaning in her life.

"I wish I could cook myself into enlightenment," I thought.

But I knew that wasn't an option -- chicken cutlets, omelettes, chili and an occasional marinara sauce are my limited culinary skills and desires. Then I thought about all of the literature and pamphets accumulating dust in my bookcase from my early recovery... and the fact that I haven't attended a meeting in over 3 years.

"Well, I'm not ready for facing others at a meeting, but blogging about Daily Reflections is an option."

I'm not doing this for money or fame. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. My daughter needs me; I can't feel this way anymore. Blogging saved Julie, and I pray it will save me too.

So for 365 days, I will reflect on my recovery, my spirtuality, my lost self through the Daily Refections. Hopefully, I will find the courage to get outside of my warped self, attend a meeting, reach out to others... make it to my 8th year of recovery.

I hope others will join and help me in my journey.

Until Tomorrow... Day 1...

Susan

4 comments:

clean and crazy said...

reading backwards here, so no meetings huh, boy have i been there. what about online meetings there is this site called euphoria recovery radio.com (one long word) and they play NA speaker tapes 24/7 it is really cool when i can't get to a meeting, or have made another excuse. also on the world web site at NA.org i think all lower case, you can click on member services, then go to world conference and click on the literature project "living clean" world is working on a new text style book for those who have been in recovery a while, while the basic text is for newcomers, this book is for those with many years clean. anyway they have these discussion boards with the outline of the book, the first two chapters have already been written and the input and review process is almost over but you can read the new chapters and give input you can also register to be part of the online discussion board where they are drawing ideas as to what to put in the book, you should really check it out, the first chapter really is amazing. anyway something to help focus on the solution instead of the problem, maybe you can share on the discussion board where you are in your clean time, it might help others to hear. I will stay tuned. congrats on 7 years that is an accomplishment!!

Angela said...

As one that has been a recovering addict, (name the addiction girl, and I've had it)...I too have found myself being a bit tempted....The smell of dope STILL is wonderful to my senses,lol. I am thankful though that I haven't partaked.

This is the first summer that I can honestly say I have not been totally blitzed out on booze!

It's been two years I've been set free from gluttony but this is where I am struggling right now..falling backwards. For the last two weeks, I've been consuming more food than is needed to survive...

I'm going to enjoy these 365 days with you ((hugs))

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Isn't it amazing that something like a movie can motivate you to do something you may not have even thought of? Bring you to a place where you can implement something to aid in your recovery process. I love the way God works! I think it is so wonderful you are taking steps to keep yourself well, and even so much more wonderful that you have 7 years clean, what an accomplishment! Be proud:) I will be following your journey.

sangeeta said...

it's so amazing that blogging is acting like a flush system and a rejuvenator for you...God bless you and keep up what you enjoy most.
i find that ...like you...i have been blogging just to unclog my system n it has been of tremendous help...my daughter is a special child with a progressive neurological disorder n i started blogging to write about the experiences and hoe i accepted the way it is...but found that writing something else would be better n started writing about food n that has become like a refuge to me.......i know how it works and hope you get stronger by the day and each post of your's gives you a positive direction...
i'll come back to see more on your blog...