Happiness/Misery -- There's a Difference?

Father Leo's Daily Reflection

HAPPINESS
"We are looking in the wrong places for happiness."
Robert J. McCracken

I sought happiness in the bottle. Others looked for "good feelings" in drugs, food or other people. Today I know that nothing that is outside of me can make me acceptable --- acceptance must come from within. I need to discover that spiritual place where I can be acceptable to me.

Self-esteem is an essential part of my recovery and that can only be realized by making the spiritual journey within. Today I seek to discover me. I want to know me --- because You created me.




ME?
I was always lookin' for love in all the wrong places. I'm my own worst gremlin -- sabotore of my relationships and my sobriety. Hell, a good title for the video could have been It's Your Wonderful Life, Susan DeAngelis. Since I could remember, I thought self-esteem could be bought with some highlights, a new pair of boots, hours at the gym, a man on my arm and master's degree on my wall.

Huh, was I wrong. No really, was I wrong?

But seriously folks, my way or the highway hasn't worked; the Father must be right. Acceptance and self-esteem must be found within. And I hear from a wise source, the strength is already inside me, ready for the using.

Glinda, the Good Witch from the North, as said to Dorothy when asked for a ride home: You don't need my help any longer; You always had the power to go back to Kansas.

So I'll give it a try -- click my red converse kicks together, flip to the Discovery Channel and begin another spiritual journey -- semi open minded and practically positive.

I sure hope it's not SHARK week.

Sue

What and where is the origin of your happiness?

Perfection -- Slightly Imperfected Items are 50% Off...

Daily Inspiration

Make peace with your imperfections and concentrate on your strengths. Lord, teach me to become more aware of my goodness so that little by little I will become even better.We can be serious about our work without being serious about ourselves.

Lord, help me to enjoy the person that I am.



ME?

PERFECTION is a touchy subject for me. I've been struggling with this issue my whole life.

SCENE: As Susan ponders the Daily Inspiration of her Susan/Susan Recovery Project, she drifts into her computer screen.

Susan: Perfection... Ha, nobody's perfect.
/Susan: So why do you think about it -- strive for it -- all of the time?
Susan: Well, shouldn't we all try to look our best, be our best?
/Susan: What is your best?
Susan: My best? I don't know... I haven't gotten there, yet.

ENDSCENE

I know I can't be perfect; Nobody on this Earth is perfect. But while striving to be my best -- to be what I believe society wants me to be -- I fall short.

Each time I fall short, it's harder to get back up and heal the scraps on my knuckles and knees.

A good friend of mine in early recovery always said to me, "Sue, don't take yourself so seriously." I'll try to keep that in mind today.

Sue

Do you take yourself too seriously?

Isolation -- I'm a Bitch; I'm a Lover; I'm a Child; I'm a Mother...

Grapevine, October 1959 -- a letter from Bill

"I used to be ashamed of my condition and so didn't talk about it. But nowadays I freely confess I am a depressive, and this has attracted other depressives to me. Working with them has helped a great deal."



ME?

Although I freely confess my innermost insecurities and inadequacies in my blog, I still wear a mask in the world outside.

For a couple of reasons...

1) I'm a teacher.
In society, it's frowned upon having a former champagne drownin', Jack Daniels guzzlin', Cocaine snortin' role model educating our youth.

2) I'm scared.
I'm afraid to let others see the ugliness inside of me. Hell, I'm afraid to take a real look at the ugliness inside me. You see what happened to the goat!

So on the outside, I hide behind my mask and thank God, my Higher Power, that I have others who don't run away when I show them a little peak.

Sue

Do you wear a mask? Why?

Love the One your with...

As Bill Sees It

Love Everybody?, p. 230

Not many people can truthfully assert that they love everybody. Most of us must admit that we have loved but a few; that we have been quite indifferent to the many. As for the remainder--well, we have really disliked or hated them.

We A.A.'s find we need something much better than this in order to keep our balance. The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few, can ignore the many, and can continue to fear or hate anybody at all, has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time.

We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love. We can show kindness where we had formerly shown none.With those we dislike we can at least begin to practice justice and courtesy, perhaps going out of our way at times to understand and help them.

ME?
My internet wasn't working all day on Monday. Not really -- I accidentally switched off my connection on my laptop... That's what I call an oops-ahha moment. Because when I finally logged on at 3am, I read exactly what I needed to read.

Yes, I know what you're thinking... it's just like those people that claim to look at the clock at the same time of day all of time -- Mine's 10:29 (my daughter's birthday); what's yours?

Back to Recovery...
Like everyone else in this country, money is tight. Higher rent, college tuition, food -- it's getting harder to pay the bills. My ex-husband (daughter's father) hasn't paid a cent of child support since my daughter could speak, "Je suis tres bien" and before that... I could count the $60 payments on my fingers and toes with a piggy to spare. Let's just say I dislike him immensely.

I don't have a problem loving the people I love, but what about the people I don't love or disappoint me? Resentment is a very heavy load. Maybe if I start forgiving and loving the unloved in my life I can start loving myself?

Food for thought -- or at least an appetizer.

Sue

What do you think?

Project -- Day 1, Day 1, Start Over Again

From Daily Reflections...

"I HAD DROPPED OUT"
We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have "harmed" other people. What kinds of "harm" do people do one another, anyway?

To define the word "harm" in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS , p. 80

ME?

I think I'm a decent person. Just the other day, I helped an old woman get a can of tomatoes from the top shelf at the supermarket -- a big deal for a woman only 5' 4'' on a big hair day. I say please, thank you, your welcome and always hold the door open for others. Hell, I even let my daughter have the last piece of pizza for dinner last night.

"I don't harm anyone," I thought.

But deep inside, I know I do. I harm myself. In fact, I torture myself.

Today's my 7 year anniversity of sobriety, but I don't feel like celebrating. I want to treat it like any other day. Maybe it's because I don't feel worthy -- or sober for that matter. Just another example of my daily dose of self thoathing.

Today I realize that my brain's a crazy place to live -- amongst the scurrying squirrels, sarcasim and low self esteem. It used to be a nice place ot visit, but today I certainly don't want to live here anymore.

Now, stop it Sue. Day 1...