Isolation -- I'm a Bitch; I'm a Lover; I'm a Child; I'm a Mother...

Grapevine, October 1959 -- a letter from Bill

"I used to be ashamed of my condition and so didn't talk about it. But nowadays I freely confess I am a depressive, and this has attracted other depressives to me. Working with them has helped a great deal."



ME?

Although I freely confess my innermost insecurities and inadequacies in my blog, I still wear a mask in the world outside.

For a couple of reasons...

1) I'm a teacher.
In society, it's frowned upon having a former champagne drownin', Jack Daniels guzzlin', Cocaine snortin' role model educating our youth.

2) I'm scared.
I'm afraid to let others see the ugliness inside of me. Hell, I'm afraid to take a real look at the ugliness inside me. You see what happened to the goat!

So on the outside, I hide behind my mask and thank God, my Higher Power, that I have others who don't run away when I show them a little peak.

Sue

Do you wear a mask? Why?

Project -- Day 1, Day 1, Start Over Again

From Daily Reflections...

"I HAD DROPPED OUT"
We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have "harmed" other people. What kinds of "harm" do people do one another, anyway?

To define the word "harm" in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS , p. 80

ME?

I think I'm a decent person. Just the other day, I helped an old woman get a can of tomatoes from the top shelf at the supermarket -- a big deal for a woman only 5' 4'' on a big hair day. I say please, thank you, your welcome and always hold the door open for others. Hell, I even let my daughter have the last piece of pizza for dinner last night.

"I don't harm anyone," I thought.

But deep inside, I know I do. I harm myself. In fact, I torture myself.

Today's my 7 year anniversity of sobriety, but I don't feel like celebrating. I want to treat it like any other day. Maybe it's because I don't feel worthy -- or sober for that matter. Just another example of my daily dose of self thoathing.

Today I realize that my brain's a crazy place to live -- amongst the scurrying squirrels, sarcasim and low self esteem. It used to be a nice place ot visit, but today I certainly don't want to live here anymore.

Now, stop it Sue. Day 1...