I haven't blogged for a while. Still sober, thank my higher power -- 11.5 years now.
I've been sick, very sick. I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease which had gone undetected for ten years. It's infiltrated all of my joints, muscles but sadly, it attacked my brain.
I haven't been able to teach this year in a high school classroom. Most days, I don't leave the house. It's too painful. So I write, read and in between headaches, I write some more.
I welcome all who choose to follow my journey TeacherWithLyme.blogspot.com
I am 48. I am a Recovering Addict. I am Fragile... I am a teacher... She was 48. She was sick. She was Fragile... Let Whitney be a teacher as well. Need I say more?
My heart aches... R.I.P. Whitney xoxoxoxox Hugs, Sue
We're taught to make amends for our wrongdoings -- and live our lives with kindness and honesty. I question, "Is honesty really the best policy?"
My mom always told me, "Susan, if you don't have anything nice to say. Don't say anything at all." With the exception of my critical self-analysis, I've tried to live my life that way. But am I wrong?
Are there degrees of honesty? Does it depend on the person or scenario? When should we be honest?
What are your thoughts? Hugs, Sue
SPECIAL REQUEST TO MY FRIENDS & READERS... I'm looking for a few readers to be honest about the first chapter of my book (It's very short -- 12 or so pages). I had a family member read it and said it was great. But that's family. I need an objective opinion. Let me know in a comment, if you're interested in helping out.
All work and no play makes Susie a verrrrry dull girl.
I was checking out at the supermarket the other day, near the gum, beef jerky and tabloid magazines. And there she was -- Amy Whinehouse. I made a comment... "That poor thing - so sad she didn't get it on time."
The woman behind me took offense. She said, "I'm so sick of hearing about these celebrity addicts. When someone dies overseas in the war, they don't get this much attention. We rarely hear about it."
Being a recovering addict, I jumped to Whinehouse's defense and immediately replied, "It's apples and oranges... You can't compare the two." I backed up my opinion by claiming these reports can worthwhile, even if it sways one person to get help.
When I got in my car, the woman's comment haunted me. Was she right? I thought?
How the heck have all of my friends been. You might have thought I fell off the face of the Earth. But I'm back. Hoping all my friends are okay out there.
A couple of updates -- My friend did accomplish her goal -- she raised enough money to keep the scholarship going.
And as for me? I've been writing, reading, going to movies -- the things I love best.
Tomorrow will be 8 years clean and sober for me -- One Day at a Time.
I miss you all. And I hope to keep blogging.
Let me know if you're alright, need any help, or just want to shoot the s$#&...
Things do not change, we do. ---Henry David Thoreau
There are still as many bars as there were when we were drinking. There are still lots of drugs around.The world hasn’t changed. What’s changed is that we now live a different way of life.
We’ve learned that, for us, alcohol and other drugs are poison.For us, there are now two worlds: the world we left behind, and our new world of recovery. In our old world, we’d try to get everyone else to change. We had the right. In our new world, we look for ways we can change for the better. In our new life, we’re willing to change.
Prayer for the Day: I pray that I may be like a mighty river, always changing. Action for the Day: I will list changes I need to make in my new life.
***Warning Video contains language/profanity***
ME?
One thing I know for sure -- it's certainly time to change.
I'm in what I call a transition period -- in between sentences -- in a rut -- a midlife crisis -- growing and regressing at a constant rate. Well, I guess it's better than two steps forward and three steps back.
I realize change is relative and what I consider change might be completely different from the next person. But what I think most can agree is that the outside influences of this world can make change very difficult. Healthy expectations and society's are not one in the same. Since society's not going to change, I guess it's up to me.
Today, I will follow the action of the day and make a list of some of the changes I need in my life.
1) Get up and out -- move more and eat healthier. 2) Spend more energy on honesty and less on isolation. 3) Procrastinate less and organize more. 4) Be more patient with myself and others. 5) Be open minded and take suggestions. 6) Get my petrified butt to a face to face meeting. 7) Buy milk and bread -- oops, wrong list.
As the great Peter Brady once said, "When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange."
I hope when I start rearranging that I don't trip over the furniture.
Sue
What changes, if any, do you have to make in your life?
In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play. ---Friedrick Nietzsche
All of us have a child inside. We may see that child as a friend or as a enemy. Many of us were taught that growing up meant doing away with our inner child. It was as if being a child was bad and being an adult was good.
If we try to be only an adult, the child cries, ”Let me run free and show you the beauty of the world.” If we try to be only a child, we find the adult in using us saying, “It’s time to grow up.”
Let’s find a balance. Remember, the adult needs the wonder found in the eyes of the child. Remember, the child needs the loving care of the adult. The child lives where we find our spirit. Our Higher Power is the prefect balance of the two.
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, help me be both the child and the adult. I need both. Action for the Day: Today, I’ll make time to be a child and to be an adult.
ME?
Nietzsche -- brings back memories of a course I took as an undergraduate in college -- existentialism. Although I enjoy philosophising, I agonized through this course.
When I signed up for the course, I didn't even know what existentialism meant. My Motivation for enduring lectures on the obscure meaning of life, death and the intermittent? No classes on Fridays!
Ah, the warped mentality of an addict.
Although the famous philosopher's statement is sexist, I do agree we should embrace and nurture our inner child. For some of us, however, we regress, and have difficulty finding the balance.
Balance... if it were easy, why would we coin the phrase 'balancing act'?
I see things in either bright neon or black and white. I think north and south or east and west -- polar extremes. I still can't have just one -- and that's not just potato chips. A day does not go by that I don't question my existence and wonder whether I should live or die.
I was told in early recovery the more I find peace, the less my moods and desires would swing. The more I drift away from the program and a spiritually sound lifestyle, I have come to believe the fellowship was correct.
Will I ever become a balanced individual?
NOW: Susan = Susan + /Susan
= American's Next Top Model + Little Women = single cheese & fries + grilled chicken salad = Pessimist + Optimist = superficial + cerebral = Playful + grounded = runaway + role model = selfish + selfless = hopeless + hopeful =hopeful+ hopeless = child + adult
GOAL:Susan = A Balanced ME
Sue
For my Followers: G wasn't at the game, nor did I expect him to be. But I'll keep you posted (wink and a smile).
What's your equation and how do you create Balance in your life?
Tomorrow, on August 16, 2009, I, Susan DeAngelis, will celebrate seven years free from drugs and alcohol -- God Willing -- let's not forget that.
I'm an accomplished teacher, single mom of a beautiful daughter, and recovering addict. I should have everything to live for, but I'm still on shakey ground.
Lately, a day does not go by that I don't crave drugs and alcohol. A day does not go by that I wonder my place in this world. When I look at my reflection, a day does not go by that I don't clench my fist and fantasize about punching my mirror in the face.
I saw a delightful movie the other day -- The Julie/Julia Project. Julie was not a recovering addict but like me, she was lost, frustrated and wanted to find meaning in her life.
"I wish I could cook myself into enlightenment," I thought.
But I knew that wasn't an option -- chicken cutlets, omelettes, chili and an occasional marinara sauce are my limited culinary skills and desires. Then I thought about all of the literature and pamphets accumulating dust in my bookcase from my early recovery... and the fact that I haven't attended a meeting in over 3 years.
"Well, I'm not ready for facing others at a meeting, but blogging about Daily Reflections is an option."
I'm not doing this for money or fame. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. My daughter needs me; I can't feel this way anymore. Blogging saved Julie, and I pray it will save me too.
So for 365 days, I will reflect on my recovery, my spirtuality, my lost self through the Daily Refections. Hopefully, I will find the courage to get outside of my warped self, attend a meeting, reach out to others... make it to my 8th year of recovery.
I hope others will join and help me in my journey.
